My "faith"

I have never considered myself to be very religious - I was born into an Anglican (Church of England) family, and christened, but we were not regular church goers. My Mother was born in Denmark, and, though I am not certain, I think belonged to the Evangelical Lutheran Christian Church (the commonest one in Denmark), but later naturalised as British following her marriage to my Father. I don't think my grandparents, who we lived with until I was about 4, were churchgoers, either, though I am not sure if that was because my grandfather was an invalid (gassed in the Great War) and couldn't get out and about much.
Around 1963 my primary school teacher invited me to join our local church choir, and we had practice on a Thursday, and then sang at the main service on Sunday, as well as at occasional weddings on Saturday - I do not recall my parents ever attending (it was only a short walk from home) and I was not doing it for any spiritual reason.
I do not recall many family "church" occasions growing up, certainly not until we lived in Mozambique in the late 60's and an Anglican vicar used to come to the sugar estate we lived on at Christmas and hold a service in a private home for a small group of ex-pats - Catholicism was the main religion there. I went to boarding school in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) and the Anglican Chapel was a main part of daily life - we had a short morning service every day, singing practice on Saturday, and had to attend either the morning or evening services (but could, of course, attend both if we wanted) on Sunday. Attendance was compulsory, and there was punishment for any who were caught "bunking" off.
I was never "confirmed", not through choice, but the subject never came up and I never enquired into it, and it never concerned me that I couldn't attend communion, as it was not that big a deal for me.
After school I went to university in South Africa and occasionally on a Sunday, with some friends, we would attend a service at the closest Anglican church - not always the same one - but I cannot recall doing it because of any religious fervour, but simply because it seemed acceptable and something to do on a Sunday. Towards the end of my first year there were some demonstrations in Cape Town, resulting in the police charging the demonstrators, and even chasing them into an Anglican church, something they would never have done had it been a Dutch Reformed Church, the principal one of South Africa - and this created a ripple of dissent throughout the country, mainly in the universities, with peaceful protests being held outside the campuses. The government decided to clamp down and imposed a "riotous assemblies" act, making it illegal for more than 3 people to gather in one place! The demonstrators got round this by "marching" to church on Sunday, and the whole tenor of the services became political, with sermons condemning the government. This bothered me and my friends - a lot! We felt that the church had been usurped and was being used as a political, not a spiritual, tool, and we stopped attending. I think it was around this time that I started questioning my faith, and whether I really believed in the church and what it stood for, and whether I even believed in the existence of God.
I had studied Divinity at school, and even have an "O" level in it! We had briefly touched on comparative religions, and it appeared to me that almost all religions were really closely related, in that they all had one supreme deity (or God), though some of the interpretations of the "will of God" varied wildly. I started thinking about the fact that many wars had, in fact, been "Holy" wars, fought over religion and religious beliefs - "My God is better than your God!", when in fact they were one and the same. People were still fighting over religion, fighting over something that represented tolerance, acceptance of others, turning the other cheek. and even loving your fellow men. It suddenly made no sense to me.
I also found it extremely difficult to come to terms with the "heavenly Father", who was supposedly so powerful, as after all he had created this earth we lived on, allowing people to suffer from floods, earthquakes, tempests, and so on - all natural disasters, not man-made, so surely must have been created by "Him"? Many of those who suffered were the poorest souls on earth, living in areas most susceptible to these natural disasters, and the richest nations were able to cope better with these tribulations. Someone I mentioned this to said that they were "sinners" being punished, but that implies that poor people eking out a living, in the only place they can live, in the path of a hurricane must be more evil than those who live in "safe" cities? You are less of a sinner because you can buy a strong house in a city that doesn't suffer natural disasters? I am sorry, but that doesn't sit well with me. Also how can a religion that preaches forgiveness, tolerance, and love, and tells us that God loves us all and will forgive us all, justify so much suffering? Where is the love and forgiveness?
I got married in an Anglican church (my ex-wife was brought up Catholic), and my daughter was christened in a church, and we, as a family, occasionally attended church, usually regularly at Easter and Christmas, but occasionally at other times too - and especially during a period when my daughter attended a group called Praise Kids (sort of an extension of Sunday School) who used to perform at some services. By now the services had become less formal, and were more "happy clappy" with regular shouts of "hallelujah", and this turned me off even more - towards the end of the service we were supposed to mingle in the pews and "hug a friend", which I found uncomfortable. So it was with some relief when she outgrew Praise Kids! We still, as a family, attended Easter and Christmas services, but I always felt it was more out of a sense of moral obligation to the small community we lived in (we lived in that area for almost 30 years - and my ex still lives there).
My landlady here in Peru claims to be a Christian, but not "religious" - she (a qualified psychologist who used to lecture at university) claims there is a difference between being a Christian and being religious, and does not attend a conventional church. Her favourite farewell is "Blessings", and her conversation is sprinkled with references to the favours bestowed upon us by God. She is aware that I consider myself to be an agnostic, and appears to accept this, as I think, secretly, she believes I will convert to a fully fledged believer one day - however she cannot tolerate homosexuality (there was a programme on local TV one day and she harped on about that being a deadly sin for days afterwards!), and will not accept that we evolved from animals, or that the human being is actually part of the "animal" kingdom. I asked her once, when she was going on about the sin of homosexuality, about the Bible's take on tolerance, and the fact that many passages therein are open to different interpretation, and she simply replied that on the subject of homosexuality Christianity was very clear, and it was a mortal sin! I couldn't believe how an intelligent woman could be so closed-minded about many things, and accept the Bible's teachings (at least those that she liked!) as being the absolute truth!
As things stand I have not been to church for approaching 15 years, and the last time I went (to a service in Peterborough Cathedral) it was a memorial service for a friend. I certainly do not consider myself to be an atheist, but rather an agnostic - I find it difficult to accept the existence of anything that is not provable. OK, Christianity - the belief in God and Christ - is a fact, but the existence of God cannot be proved. That is where "faith" comes in - the blind belief that there must be something pulling all our strings, and this is where my faith founders, as I cannot accept that without some sort of concrete evidence, and people telling me "I have seen God" or "God spoke to me" is not enough, at least not for me. My sister once said to me that I must be so afraid of dying if I didn't believe in God, as what did I think would happen to me in the "afterlife" - I laughed, which upset her even more, as I do not believe in that either, and told her that as far as I was concerned when my physical body dies then that is the end of me, and so I was not bothered about any "life after death", which was a contradiction in itself. The existence of a "soul" is another of those nebulous beliefs that cannot be proven, so once I am gone then I am gone forever!
I have no doubt that belief in a supreme being, in a God (whatever denomination or religion he belongs too), does help many people, and gives them comfort, but I have always felt that I do not need that crutch, that I will face the world on my own, and overcome whatever challenges I face (or be overwhelmed by them!), but that I will not blame my failings on any external force - no "Why me, Lord?" for me!

I always tell people who advise me that I must open my heart and accept God that my door is always open, and that if "He" wants to come along and have a chat and a cup of coffee then "He" is most welcome!

The "joys" of apartment living!

In Brazil I own my own house - the emphasis is on "house", as it is a detached property on a 690 sq metre plot, so there is a nice garden buffer between me and my closest neighbours. There is also a street between me and the next house on two sides, and the only other adjacent house is below and to the side, so, although they extended close to the property line, not too close to be a nuisance. It means that life there is reasonably quiet, most of the time.
in Peru, however, where I spend the other 6 months each year, I have to rent. I do have certain requirements from the property I rent, apart from price being a major factor, primarily that it has secure off-road parking for my motorbike, a kitchen with a proper cooker (many rentals here are "holiday" lets so may only have a twin-burner hotplate), and include electricity, water and internet in the price. It also, obviously, must be furnished! As I only stay for 6 months I cannot negotiate my own utility bills, as minimum contracts are usually 12 months, and clearly having my own furniture is not really an option - even though renting an unfurnished place would be cheaper. I do have quite a lot of my own things which I store, along with my bike, with a friend here - kitchen utensils, bedding, towels, and so on - as the supplied equipment with apartments is usually either "old" or inadequate.
The first year I was here I was assisted in finding somewhere by the charity I was volunteering for - in the case of most volunteers the charity sets up the accommodation beforehand, but I was left to look at their selection once I arrived. I also had to make a quick decision on the only place they had found, though I had a couple more lined up myself to look at, as the landlady had someone else interested, and for the most part I am quite happy with my choice. It is only half a block from the beach on a fairly quiet street, and is a small building with only 7 apartments, but with two separate entrances, so only 3 accessed from the same side as mine.
The apartment is one bed-roomed, but quite spacious, with a small kitchen, and a large lounge-dining room and a balcony, plus access to the roof terrace, where the washing lines are. The kitchen was not very well equipped, though did have a full cooker, so I bought some of my own things, like a set of crockery and cutlery, and kitchen knives, and a lot of the general furnishings, provided bedding and towels were pretty old - the pillows were a little musty so I bought some of those too!
Most of the other apartments were occupied by short-term tenants, and though at times a little noisy, that first year was not too bad. At the end of my stay I asked if I could book again for the following year, but the landlady was reluctant to commit so far ahead in case she lost a permanent lease by accepting my booking, so asked if I would confirm closer to my arrival date in 6 months time. However by then the apartment was already taken until a month after my arrival so I had to look elsewhere.
Although there were quite a few online adverts for apartments getting a response from the advertisers was more difficult - with many not responding, and some of the email addresses bouncing back as "unknown" - so in the end I arrived the following March, booked into a hostel for a week and started apartment hunting! As it was just before Easter there was not much available, particularly for the 6 month period I required, but eventually I responded to a large advert outside a new building and they had a brand-new 3 bedroomed apartment available. It was much bigger - and more expensive - that I needed, but was beautifully appointed, if a little further from the beach, so I took it for the full 6 months. The English-speaking landlord gave me a special price based on 6 months occupancy, and a single occupancy rebate, but it was still a lot more than I had paid the previous year. One downside to this apartment was that other apartment in my floor, which was going to be the owner/landlord's apartment, was not yet finished, so there was a lot of construction noise for the next two months!
At the end of my second stay in Peru I started looking for somewhere for the following year - the apartment I was in was great, but really too expensive, so I needed something smaller and cheaper. I looked at two other one-bedroomed apartments nearby, one advertised parking available, but when I asked about it they said the parking was already  taken - by their car! The other also advertised parking, but she said is was "on-street" and safe, and also the kitchen was outside the apartment, which was essentially a large bed-sit with a bathroom and balcony, across a hallway and without a door, so easily accessible by the other apartments, though she assured me it was just for "my" apartment! I declined both of these! I contacted the landlady of the apartment I had been in the first year, and she said she could only "guarantee" availability for me if I paid a deposit in advance, which in the end I did.
So year 3 I was back in the same apartment, and found that the crockery I had bought before was almost all broken, the pillows replaced with more musty ones, and I had to replace a few more things. Apart from that I spent another agreeable year in Peru, though the neighbours seemed a little noisier. Year 4 was a similar story - I again had to replace some equipment, as the supplied things were getting more decrepit, and more pillows!! The same goes for year 5 - though two apartments were now taken by long-term foreign tenants, and there was a crazy lady in the apartment below me, who blamed me for any and all noise in the building (I am like a mouse as I am only too conscious that I am sharing a small space with others and try to keep as quiet as possible), and used to harangue me often, despite me trying to convince her that it wasn't me! Eventually the landlady had to evict here as she was fighting and swearing with everyone!
Towards the end of year 5 the landlady informed me that there would not be any parking the following year as she was looking to rent the whole ground floor, including the parking courtyard, to the mini-market next door. Year 5 had been particularly noisy, too, not only the crazy lady below, but also a large group on the ground floor, and the young lady above me made quite a lot of noise (that I was being blamed for by crazy lady!), so I was not too disappointed that I would have to look elsewhere, and, in fact, the landlord from year 2 had a small apartment available, that I booked in advance!
The only "snag" with this apartment is that it was on the 5th floor (we would call it 4th, as the ground floor here is the 1st), and the stairs were a bit of a problem for my advancing years, but it was again very well appointed, though secure parking was a few blocks away, and had great views over the town. Unfortunately it was not going to be available this year, year 7, upon my arrival, and the only thing he had available was a 3 bedroomed apartment in a different building (owned by someone else but managed by him) which I could rent for 6 weeks until he had something smaller available after Easter. It was again going to be on the 5th floor, but was a lot more expensive, too, that I was willing to pay, and I wasn't that keen on moving during my stay, so I started looking elsewhere again.
There was a place I had ridden past often during my stays and I found an online advert for it - it looked nice, even though it was located in a campsite so I thought could be a bit noisy, so I contacted them and booked it for my 7th year stay in Peru. On arrival, however, they showed me to a completely different apartment - the one I had booked was not available, but they had others, which were open-plan bedsits, with a hotplate rather than a cooker, and were totally unacceptable. I had just spent over 30 hours travelling to Peru, including an overnight stay in Lima airport, and found myself without a place to stay! In desperation I called the landlord from the previous year and his wife said they might have something, so I caught a passing taxi and went to his building.
His wife (he was away) showed me another building they were managing, and another 3-bedroomed apartment, again fairly new and very well appointed, but again quite expensive! I could stay there for 2 weeks, but it was booked after that, though they would have an apartment in their building 10 days after that, meaning I needed to find somewhere for the intervening days! This was also a 5th floor apartment, and this year I was struggling even more with the stairs (bad knee, old motorbike injury, and bad ankle), so felt I needed to look for a lower floor solution.
I contacted my landlady from before and she told me "my" old apartment would be available 10 days after I moved out of the one I was in, but that she had something I could stay in until then. So I moved back into the building I had been in 5 times before. The mini-market move hadn't materialised so the parking was also available, and 10 days after moving into a large bedsit I was back in my "old" apartment!
Yet again the equipment was woefully inadequate, and as far as I can tell there is nothing new since my first stay here 7 years ago! So much so that I stored all her kitchen equipment (utensils, crockery, etc.) and am using all of my own, and again had to buy new pillows. She seems to have an endless supply of old, lumpy, musty pillows! The main gate to the parking is damaged too, though I have told her about it, and it is quite difficult to get the up-and-over gate to stay open so I can get the bike in and out! 3 months in and still nothing has been done about that!
This year there are only 2 apartments occupied besides mine, both long-term by young ladies, though both now have boyfriends staying - one above me, and one below me. The young lady below has a dog with her, and until the boyfriend moved in I never heard her - literally I could not tell if she was home or not, and never even heard the door - however now both doors are slammed shut on entry and exit! Similarly the people upstairs - the apartment door is slammed hard, sometimes more than once as they appear to have trouble closing it, on entry/exit, and just this morning (at 07.30) it was slammed 4 times in the space of 5 minutes! It appeared they were taking some things downstairs one flight then going back for more, and each time the door was slammed on entry/exit, which is several times a day! The door to the street is slammed by her too, and occasionally not even shut properly so the lock doesn't catch, leaving the property unsecured! I manage to close both my apartment door and the street door without resorting to slamming them, but then I have always been considerate towards others.
I really like this apartment - it is spacious, in a good location close to the beach where I take my daily walks, and has secure parking for my bike, but I just wish that fellow tenants would show as much consideration to other building users as I do. It is the only downside to living here, especially since I am now using my own belongings in the kitchen!! With only 2 months left this year till I return to Brazil my thoughts are turning to 2020, and whether I try and re-book, or see if I can find something quieter!!