My "faith"

I have never considered myself to be very religious - I was born into an Anglican (Church of England) family, and christened, but we were not regular church goers. My Mother was born in Denmark, and, though I am not certain, I think belonged to the Evangelical Lutheran Christian Church (the commonest one in Denmark), but later naturalised as British following her marriage to my Father. I don't think my grandparents, who we lived with until I was about 4, were churchgoers, either, though I am not sure if that was because my grandfather was an invalid (gassed in the Great War) and couldn't get out and about much.
Around 1963 my primary school teacher invited me to join our local church choir, and we had practice on a Thursday, and then sang at the main service on Sunday, as well as at occasional weddings on Saturday - I do not recall my parents ever attending (it was only a short walk from home) and I was not doing it for any spiritual reason.
I do not recall many family "church" occasions growing up, certainly not until we lived in Mozambique in the late 60's and an Anglican vicar used to come to the sugar estate we lived on at Christmas and hold a service in a private home for a small group of ex-pats - Catholicism was the main religion there. I went to boarding school in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) and the Anglican Chapel was a main part of daily life - we had a short morning service every day, singing practice on Saturday, and had to attend either the morning or evening services (but could, of course, attend both if we wanted) on Sunday. Attendance was compulsory, and there was punishment for any who were caught "bunking" off.
I was never "confirmed", not through choice, but the subject never came up and I never enquired into it, and it never concerned me that I couldn't attend communion, as it was not that big a deal for me.
After school I went to university in South Africa and occasionally on a Sunday, with some friends, we would attend a service at the closest Anglican church - not always the same one - but I cannot recall doing it because of any religious fervour, but simply because it seemed acceptable and something to do on a Sunday. Towards the end of my first year there were some demonstrations in Cape Town, resulting in the police charging the demonstrators, and even chasing them into an Anglican church, something they would never have done had it been a Dutch Reformed Church, the principal one of South Africa - and this created a ripple of dissent throughout the country, mainly in the universities, with peaceful protests being held outside the campuses. The government decided to clamp down and imposed a "riotous assemblies" act, making it illegal for more than 3 people to gather in one place! The demonstrators got round this by "marching" to church on Sunday, and the whole tenor of the services became political, with sermons condemning the government. This bothered me and my friends - a lot! We felt that the church had been usurped and was being used as a political, not a spiritual, tool, and we stopped attending. I think it was around this time that I started questioning my faith, and whether I really believed in the church and what it stood for, and whether I even believed in the existence of God.
I had studied Divinity at school, and even have an "O" level in it! We had briefly touched on comparative religions, and it appeared to me that almost all religions were really closely related, in that they all had one supreme deity (or God), though some of the interpretations of the "will of God" varied wildly. I started thinking about the fact that many wars had, in fact, been "Holy" wars, fought over religion and religious beliefs - "My God is better than your God!", when in fact they were one and the same. People were still fighting over religion, fighting over something that represented tolerance, acceptance of others, turning the other cheek. and even loving your fellow men. It suddenly made no sense to me.
I also found it extremely difficult to come to terms with the "heavenly Father", who was supposedly so powerful, as after all he had created this earth we lived on, allowing people to suffer from floods, earthquakes, tempests, and so on - all natural disasters, not man-made, so surely must have been created by "Him"? Many of those who suffered were the poorest souls on earth, living in areas most susceptible to these natural disasters, and the richest nations were able to cope better with these tribulations. Someone I mentioned this to said that they were "sinners" being punished, but that implies that poor people eking out a living, in the only place they can live, in the path of a hurricane must be more evil than those who live in "safe" cities? You are less of a sinner because you can buy a strong house in a city that doesn't suffer natural disasters? I am sorry, but that doesn't sit well with me. Also how can a religion that preaches forgiveness, tolerance, and love, and tells us that God loves us all and will forgive us all, justify so much suffering? Where is the love and forgiveness?
I got married in an Anglican church (my ex-wife was brought up Catholic), and my daughter was christened in a church, and we, as a family, occasionally attended church, usually regularly at Easter and Christmas, but occasionally at other times too - and especially during a period when my daughter attended a group called Praise Kids (sort of an extension of Sunday School) who used to perform at some services. By now the services had become less formal, and were more "happy clappy" with regular shouts of "hallelujah", and this turned me off even more - towards the end of the service we were supposed to mingle in the pews and "hug a friend", which I found uncomfortable. So it was with some relief when she outgrew Praise Kids! We still, as a family, attended Easter and Christmas services, but I always felt it was more out of a sense of moral obligation to the small community we lived in (we lived in that area for almost 30 years - and my ex still lives there).
My landlady here in Peru claims to be a Christian, but not "religious" - she (a qualified psychologist who used to lecture at university) claims there is a difference between being a Christian and being religious, and does not attend a conventional church. Her favourite farewell is "Blessings", and her conversation is sprinkled with references to the favours bestowed upon us by God. She is aware that I consider myself to be an agnostic, and appears to accept this, as I think, secretly, she believes I will convert to a fully fledged believer one day - however she cannot tolerate homosexuality (there was a programme on local TV one day and she harped on about that being a deadly sin for days afterwards!), and will not accept that we evolved from animals, or that the human being is actually part of the "animal" kingdom. I asked her once, when she was going on about the sin of homosexuality, about the Bible's take on tolerance, and the fact that many passages therein are open to different interpretation, and she simply replied that on the subject of homosexuality Christianity was very clear, and it was a mortal sin! I couldn't believe how an intelligent woman could be so closed-minded about many things, and accept the Bible's teachings (at least those that she liked!) as being the absolute truth!
As things stand I have not been to church for approaching 15 years, and the last time I went (to a service in Peterborough Cathedral) it was a memorial service for a friend. I certainly do not consider myself to be an atheist, but rather an agnostic - I find it difficult to accept the existence of anything that is not provable. OK, Christianity - the belief in God and Christ - is a fact, but the existence of God cannot be proved. That is where "faith" comes in - the blind belief that there must be something pulling all our strings, and this is where my faith founders, as I cannot accept that without some sort of concrete evidence, and people telling me "I have seen God" or "God spoke to me" is not enough, at least not for me. My sister once said to me that I must be so afraid of dying if I didn't believe in God, as what did I think would happen to me in the "afterlife" - I laughed, which upset her even more, as I do not believe in that either, and told her that as far as I was concerned when my physical body dies then that is the end of me, and so I was not bothered about any "life after death", which was a contradiction in itself. The existence of a "soul" is another of those nebulous beliefs that cannot be proven, so once I am gone then I am gone forever!
I have no doubt that belief in a supreme being, in a God (whatever denomination or religion he belongs too), does help many people, and gives them comfort, but I have always felt that I do not need that crutch, that I will face the world on my own, and overcome whatever challenges I face (or be overwhelmed by them!), but that I will not blame my failings on any external force - no "Why me, Lord?" for me!

I always tell people who advise me that I must open my heart and accept God that my door is always open, and that if "He" wants to come along and have a chat and a cup of coffee then "He" is most welcome!