Having a house-guest stay with you!

I have lived alone now for at least 15 years - my choice - and really enjoy the freedom it allows me. I can eat when I want, go to bed when I want (I am now retired), wander round the house in as little clothing as I want (not overlooked!!), and basically do exactly what I want, when I want! The past 10 years I have had someone stay here before 3 times - the first was my daughter and husband-to-be, visiting Brazil for the first time, and we only came to my house after doing some travelling round Brazil (Pantanal, Iguazu waterfall, etc.) and had shared accommodation in some places along the way, and they were only here for two or three days before having to return to the UK. The second was a friend who was leaving Brazil for 2 years, intending to return, and who left a lot of her belongings in my house - that was only for one night before I took her to the bus station to start her journey back to Europe. The third was my second cousin (daughter of my cousin), who I had not met before, but she was travelling the world and stayed a couple of nights. All 3 of these were uneventful, and quite enjoyable.
The friend who left the belongings is back - 6 years after she left - to sort her affairs out for a final time. We have known each other for over 10 years, and are good friends - she used to have permanent residence (though lost it because she was out of the country too long for medical reasons), and we had discussed ways she could help me get mine, even the suggestion of a "marriage of convenience", which we were seriously considering once she came back (within the 2 year limit, so that option is no longer available), so we are really good friends.
If I go and stay with anyone I follow their rules, or at least their routine - so if breakfast is at 07.00, then I am up at 06.50, unless they are happy for me to make my own (though personally I would not want to upset their routine), lunch at 12.30, then I am there helping, and dinner at 19.00, likewise. It is the third day, and there is a week to go, and my friend has been appearing after 08.30 (currently 09.00 and no sign of her!), and eventually eating breakfast around 09.30, so is not hungry by my lunchtime, and has been going out to meet other friends here she hasn't seen for years (and prospective property purchasers) in the evening, so out when I have my dinner. The last two nights she has returned after midnight, too! She told me yesterday she preferred a large meal at lunchtime as I eat too early, so she would be hungry again by midnight!
The reason she has been away so long is for her health, and she is suffering in the heat here after Europe, so prefers to do anything in the evening, not the heat of the day, but spends the day either sorting through the things she left here, or "resting" because of her health! But most of the time it is complaining about the heat, or how she cannot do the things she used to take for granted, or about how difficult it is proving to sell her property - people only want half the land, or to finance the purchase (paying her directly in instalments, not through a mortgage).
One way I could get permanent residence here is through marriage, but the past few days have taught me that after 15 years alone (not lonely, I hasten to add) I do not want to share my living space with anyone else, and am counting down the days till I get my "castle" back to myself!

"Friendship" update

I had previously posted about a friendship I had with a young man here in Brazil - Crossing the line, and Friends like these - who used to look after my house for me when I was away in Peru. I have known him for almost 9 years now, and considered him a friend, but he destroyed our trust and friendship last year, which I posted about earlier.
After the last episode, when he brought the hoodie and other things back, still promising to repay everything, I hardly saw him again before leaving for Peru in March 2018. He did come round a short while before I left and was surprised when I wouldn't allow him to come into my house. I told him I only allowed friends in and he had thrown that away by his actions. He told me he still wanted to be friends as he "needed" me as a friend, but I responded that I didn't think I needed him as my friend! He had made no effort to repay for any of the damage he had caused, and had not even bothered to come round to see if he could do some odd jobs around my garden to cover some of it - yet he was still unemployed, so had time on his hands.
He messaged me (via Facebook) only once in the 6 months I was away, with just a simple "How are you?" message, to which I replied rather coolly. I have now been back for over 3 weeks, and received another message, just saying "Hi!" again, and then followed with another simply saying "I regret breaking your door, and messing with your things"!
"Messing with your things"! Is that what he thinks he did? I replied rather angrily that if he thought that breaking two doors (not one), stealing money, "borrowing" clothes, breaking items, stealing items to sell, drinking my booze, and using stored foodstuffs (that would have still been "in date" on my return) was just "messing with" my things, then he still had a lot to learn! He had destroyed any trust I had in him, and then lying to me continually about what had happened, and what he had taken, broken or "borrowed", had finally also killed our friendship.
I bear him no ill will, and I realise that it is extremely unlikely that I will see a penny of the cost of the damages returned, but until he fully takes responsibility for his actions, and stops blaming everything else for what he did, I cannot consider our friendship to be restored.

When is a lie, not a lie?

I pride myself on my honesty and integrity - you can call me anything you like, except a liar, as lying is something I never do. I may withhold information, so as not to cause offence, by not responding directly - for example if someone asked me if I thought they were beautiful, and I didn't, I would fudge a response, so I wouldn't tell them a lie, or change the subject, or simply not respond directly. Similarly if I do something wrong I will always own up to it, take responsibility for my actions, and not try and blame anyone else.
When I was at boarding school smoking was forbidden, but I, and others (and I know this included prefects who upheld the "law"), used to sneak off for illicit sessions. I was never caught directly with cigarettes on me, or actually smoking, but on 2 occasions while returning I was accosted by a prefect and asked directly "have you been smoking?" (note, this is not "where have you been?" which I could respond honestly without admitting any guilt) and I immediately admitted that I had. On one occasion the other boy with me denied he had smoked and got off scot-free, while I was severely punished (and the prefect later told me that he was the one they were really after, but his denial meant they could not take further action as all they had was suspicion!), but that didn't stop me from admitting a similar offence a year later, again when asked if I had been smoking, when denial would have gotten me off, but would have been lying!
The young friend who has looked after my house 4 times now, and who I have known for 8 years, though, is the real subject of this post. Lying seems to come easily to people here - from when they will turn up, to denial they did things (when you saw them do it!), and just generally telling you what they think you want to hear. Most are "little" lies - saying they will come at 10.00 and then arriving at 12.00 (timekeeping is a big issue in all Latin countries!), but swearing blind (including swearing on your mother's life, or crying) that you didn't break something when you were seen, or there could be no-one else to blame (as you were the only person there or using that item) is somewhat different.
This year the "friend" had a drug-induced breakdown and did some damage to my house, stole some items, and "borrowed" others - but it is the subsequent lying about some of the details that I am finding very hard to come to terms with.
He lost a set of house keys (the second time he has done this) and told me in a message that this happened just 2 weeks before my return, from a 6 month absence, though later I found out that it happened less than a month into my absence! He told me a story, which he repeated often, about where he lost the keys, though the keys turned up in my neighbour's garden, a long way from where they were "lost", but he had no explanation for that, and told me his story, oft repeated, about losing them in town had been a "joke"! A couple of days ago he told me he thought he was being chased (paranoia from the drug psychosis) so jumped over the fence, and must have lost the keys then, and this was just after I left.
My front door was smashed in - his sister told me he had put a pan on the stove and fallen asleep so the family had to break in to "save" him. I know this to be a lie as he told me he went out after putting the pan on, so he wasn't in the house in any danger (no fire or smoke damage either!), but in fact they had to break in as he had lost the keys! So his sister is also complicit in the lies. A pan was damaged, too, so badly burnt that the double base was destroyed!
He told me he had used some of my clothes as he had nothing to wear, but had washed them and replaced them. however I was looking for a shirt and asked him about it (he had moved things of mine all over) and he admitted he had it and would return it, which he did along with some other shirts. I asked if that was everything and he swore it was, but a few days later I couldn't find a book (one of a 7 part series), and he admitted he had that too, and returned it with some more clothing! Again he swore that he had nothing else, but then he posts a selfie on Facebook wearing a hoodie of mine (given to me by a friend in Iowa), and when I take him to task about that he returns it and even more shirts and shorts! Again he swears blind that he no longer has any of my things.
He, his sister and his mother have all assured me that they will repay for all the damages and losses I have incurred, but it is now over 5 months since I returned and I have seen nothing, not had any indications of when the repayment might begin.
He came round to my house two days ago as though nothing has happened (had not seen him or heard from him in over 2 months) expecting to be invited in, which I refused, telling him he had to regain my trust and friendship first. I told him that what hurt me almost as much as the thefts and damages, were the lies he has been telling me, as you should not treat a friend like that. He asked "what lies?" - so I pointed out specifically the ones about the things he "borrowed" and the lost keys. He said I had all things he had "borrowed" (as opposed to those he had sold!) back, so what was the problem, and though I pointed out the numerous times he swore he had nothing more and then when I found he had, he didn't seem to think the lies mattered as I got it all back!! Similarly with the keys, he said he was trying to explain how he lost them - by lying about it! I pointed out that he lied time and again, and then said the "story" was a joke, and wouldn't even tell me the truth when the keys were found nearby - it was at this stage he admitted jumping the fence to run away from an imaginary attacker!
I told him that in all the years we had been "friends" I had never lied to him about anything, something he acknowledged, but that I was having trouble accepting his continual lying - and that he had a lot of work to do to convince me I should forgive all and accept him back as a friend. He told me he "needed" me as a friend, as I meant so much to him, not least as a father figure, so I asked him why I "needed" him, if all he did was lie and take from me? He left avowing to regain my trust and friendship, but unless he can accept responsibility for his actions personally, and stop lying to me, I am not sure that it will ever happen.

Crossing the line

A young friend of mine did something today that made me question a lot of things about friendships, and especially ones where there is a large age difference. When I first came to Brazil 7 years ago I volunteered at a small children's charity, and met this young man who was 17 at the time. He had been attending the charity previously, but was now hanging around as he fancied one of the female volunteers from the UK!
He used to come to the charity often, and later developed a more serious relationship with another young English volunteer, which continued after she finished her internship, and she in fact returned the following year for a holiday with him. When she left I think he realised that the relationship was over and it affected him considerably, and he visited me a few times to talk about it and what he wanted from life. He was still at High School at the time, and eventually graduated, which isn't that common amongst young people where I live, though he found it very hard to get regular work in this area, with tourism being the main employer.
I do not make friends easily, I have many acquaintances but very few what I would call "close" friends, but he and I developed a friendship - not a really close one as I felt (still feel) unable to get that close anyone that much younger than me, with different values and different cultural background, but I would consider him a friend. He used to pop in periodically for a chat, or to use my internet, have a coffee, and so on, and on occasions I would pay him to do some odd jobs around the house (like breaking up old floor tiles so I could lay new ones).
He was living at home with his parents and three siblings in a very small house, and had no privacy but couldn't afford to move out and find a place of his own due to irregular low-paid work. When I had to leave Brazil for 6 months due to not having permanent residence I saw a solution to both our problems - I needed someone to look after my house and he needed somewhere to stay, so I asked him if he would like to stay rent-free while I was away, and I would also leave enough money for the utility bills for the duration - effectively all he had to do was provide himself with food (though I understand he went "home" most days for that!!).
This worked well the first two years I had to leave, though, perhaps foolishly, I also gave him some money by way of thanks when I returned. I say "foolishly" as he then started asking how much I would pay him to look after my house, until I pointed out that the rent money he was saving, and not having to pay utilities was worth a lot to him, especially as the alternative was living back at home as he still did not have regular work. I thought that the arrangement had been mutually beneficial, and especially as I considered him a friend, so was surprised that he simply saw it as a financial arrangement.
The third year he said he was only prepared to live in one or two days a week, which I was not happy with, particularly since my house is out of the way, and I just felt that he would not come and check regularly, but he refused to consider living in, so I arranged for a neighbour to keep an eye on my place - but that came at a price!
This year he approached me and asked if he could stay in my house again while I was away - he was out of work, living at home in very cramped accommodation with no privacy, and was very stressed out. I agreed but explained that although I would again leave money for the utility bills I didn't think I could afford to pay him anything much for staying, as again I explained how much he was "saving" by having the run of my house. So he moved in as I left for Peru.
While I was away he messaged me asking how much I was paying him, and again I explained that much would depend on what state the house was in on my return (one year he lost the keys so I had to change all the locks, including 3 padlocks!), but that it wouldn't be a lot, again pointing out the financial and mental benefits of him living in my house. A few weeks later he messaged again asking if I could pay him R$2000 as he needed that to buy a motorbike, or if I could loan him that - and again I responded that there was no way I could afford that, either as payment for staying, or a loan (that I knew he couldn't afford to repay!). I did, however, pay him something upon my return, though by then was questioning our "friendship" as it was beginning to look as though he was only interested in what he could get out of me. 
What was I getting out of the relationship? It is hard to tell, though I felt he was a young man with potential, and needed a father figure to offer him guidance, something his own father (who kept walking out on the family and then returning) was not giving him, and he often used to say that he valued my advice and friendship. I was concerned that he used cannabis frequently, and admitted that he had taken harder substances, and on occasions he appeared so spaced out I was worried about him, though he insisted he was simply in a bad place mentally due to lack of work.
So, to the crossing of the line today. He arrived at my door in an obviously very disturbed state - he was holding himself very stiff, staring straight ahead, and barely speaking. We had a coffee and he relaxed a little, and told me he had to find somewhere to stay as he was feeling claustrophobic at home as he had no privacy, but also had no money to rent anywhere (he had asked me before if he could rent a room from me but I told him at the time that the almost 40 year age difference would be a big problem as I wanted peace and quiet and he liked to play music loud all the time!). He asked for another coffee and we chatted some more.
He kept fiddling with himself "down there", something which is actually commonplace here so didn't worry me unduly, but then placed his hand inside his shorts and took his erect penis out!! I immediately remonstrated with him, explaining that this was something you didn't do in company, and he put it away but he replied that this wasn't "company" but friends, and he needed to do something to relax. I pointed out that this was not the place for that, and asked if he would do it in front of his parents, brothers and sisters, or male friends, and when he said "no way!" asked then why he felt it OK to do it in front of me, as this was extremely disrespectful. 
He said he couldn't do it at home, even in the bathroom as they would know what he was doing, but I told him that no matter what it was rude, insulting and disrespectful to think it was OK in my presence. He then said he thought I might want to watch! I explained that just because he didn't see me chasing women that didn't mean I was interested in men, and he said he didn't mean that, but maybe I liked both. I again pointed out that even if I did like men, it would be shocking if a male friend I was not in a physical relationship with started doing that in front of me - but he said he would do that with a female friend as well! He asked how I would react if a woman started playing with herself in front of me, and I said that unless we were in a relationship I would be equally shocked and offended.
He apologised, though I told him I was not sure I could accept the apology as he had crossed a line, and what had happened could not be undone by simple words, especially as by his conversation afterwards it did not appear as though he felt he had done anything wrong.
He stayed a while longer before asking to borrow some money for cigarettes and then left. Leaving me wondering what had happened and what it meant to our "friendship". Did he think I was friends because I "desired" him in some way? Did others view a friendship between a 63 year old man and a 24 year old in that way? Was any friendship between men with such an age difference possible without appearing "odd"? Was I incredibly naive in believing that I could have an innocent friendship with a much younger man, especially in a country where they consider every Gringo to be rich? I mean, I know that despite him claiming that I am probably his "only friend" here I now that his understanding of "friend" is probably a lot different to mine - I am his go-to guy, when he needs a lift, or to borrow some money, or simply a quiet place to go to talk to someone. We are from completely different backgrounds, educationally, socially and culturally so don't have a lot in common, and I know that I will never view him in quite the same way in the future - I did in fact warn him that if he ever pulled a stunt like that again he would never come to my house again. I am too trusting, and always try and see the good in people, and that faith in my fellow man has been sorely tested yet again!